A Self-Apology

I’m sorry I tried to change you. You had already been through so much trauma and all I wanted to do was to spare you from any more pain and rejection. It was foolish, but I was raised to believe that you were a sinful notion, a path straight to the depths of hell.

I’m sorry I called you a freak and punished you when you allowed yourself to feel brief moments of attraction to people of the same sex. I wanted to keep you under control so that people wouldn’t find a reason to judge or mistrust you. You can’t help how people respond, but if you change a factor in the equation-like your sexuality- it might soften the blow.

I’m sorry that I told you I hated you, that I put you down and tried to keep you hidden away. I’m sorry for the false public persona, for the times I asked you to be what you weren’t.

I’m sorry for the times I made you wear clothes and makeup that you weren’t comfortable with to trick people into gushing over your femininity. I have learned a lot about what true femininity is and it is much more powerful and sacred than outside appearances.

I’ve also learned that authenticity is a sacrament that you share with those who fully understand the grace and love of God.

I’ve learned that the way you talk to yourself should be taken as seriously as the way you talk to others, that the milk of positive self-speak is the nourishment you need to endure whatever things come your way.

I’ve learned that how you feel, how you love is as part of you as anything else. Trying to change the nature of who you love in a world filled with hate is counterproductive. Love wins no matter how hard you try to force it to fail.

I have learned about the ever-expanding depths and widths and heights of Divine Love and the power of a Sacrificial Lamb to defeat death and turn our hearts towards redemption and healing.

So, here’s to learning to love you more fully and forgiving myself for the times I wasn’t able to. We’ve got a long way to go, but I’m growing more and more thankful for this journey we are on.

 

 

 

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